2012 – The Year of Kindness

In the last month, as tradition would have it, I as many of us do prepared myself for a new beginning. Not just any new beginning, but a new year. Even though each day and each moment is a new opportunity to start anew, the New Year is a time that we globally agree to mark a new time, in our case, 2012.

As I recapitulate the significant events of my 2011, they range from starting new relationships to ending old habits to visiting Santa Fe to having a cup of tea by the ocean. In the last year, I was given many chances for great exploration and curiosity, and just as many chances to be courageous. I was given even more chances to fail, to try, to celebrate, to reevaluate, and to love unconditionally. During the last few minutes of 2011, I was deep in gratitude for have taken all of those chances in the last year. But as the clock waited to turn 2012 at midnight, my heart was yearning for something else. There was something I had forgotten along the way.

So my intention for 2012 is kindness, not resolution. A resolution to be kind to myself doesn’t seem as kind as setting an intention and cultivating it. This attention to kindness has been called from within and I know it is the only way to begin if I too want to be kind to others.

When I look back a year earlier to my first blog entry it reads, 2011 – The Year of Mystery.  If 2011 was the year of mystery then 2012 is the year of kindness. And last night, a little over a week into it, I already began to question if this is what kindness feels like, when I opened a book to find:

Kindness

By Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out in the day to mail letters and
 purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

What is your intention for 2012?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year from all of us at RakSa! We hope you had a wonderful holiday, and we can’t wait to spend time with you in the new year. We have a new schedule of movement classes, and some amazing January specials. Check them out and join us!

If you weren’t able to join us at our last DIY, we hope that we’ll see you January 23rd for our Citrus-themed DIY! Here are some photos from our holiday DIY–leave us a comment if you were there!

 

Hygiene for the Soul: Getting to Know Irma Sierra

To conclude Sharon’s first experience with Shamanic Healing, she interviewed Irma. Please join us in getting to know our practitioners through these interviews, and introduce yourselves in the comments!

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What do you do at Raksa?:   I am a Shamanic healing practitioner – its an ancient paradigm for healing on the blueprint level or energy body level. Shamans see everything coming from emotions. For example; trauma can leave an imprint in the body. It can over time crystallize and continue to attract the same things and experiences. Addictions can manifest and then over time it becomes physical. I like to explain things practically….the treatment is an opportunity to release emotional or soul trauma.

How would someone expect to feel during or after a shamanic healing session?:   Each session is unique…one can expect to release of heavy energy and emotions. Wanting to shift, heal or unstuck the patterns, memories and/or pain releasing them from their energy body. Most people feel relaxed sometimes calmer sometimes happy or energized. However addresses things from the past you might feel like you experienced an energetic enema! Like a detox, a feeling low energy can happen. Feeling tired or spaced out from the cleansing  of your chakras. Integration time after the session is important. Homework is given after the session to integrate the pieces and help the client become responsible for the healing. It’s a team session – working together to heal. I help you step up to your own healing, there as a guide to help move energy. Its up to the client to show up!

How long  have you been a Shamanic Healer ?:  I started  in 2006 and the training is a 2 year program and I continue to take advanced courses.

Why did you start  down the Shamanic Healing journey?:  As a young child I always had a spiritual slant but did not know how to articulate it. I always liked the idea of something outside of our world – my grandfather  who was a yogi, planted seeds….and it carried over to me. As I got older,  things in my life came together and I got depressed while in college. I thought it was my soul or something in me –  showing me a quest. The depression moved me to explore different modalities to heal.  I went to a healer and I remember thinking “ how can this session work?” ….I was skeptical. The healer gave me homework and did it….went through the motions and a month later I realized that my issues I brought to the session were no longer a problem in my life.  It worked to my surprise!  And I wanted to learn more. Shamanic Healing is hygiene for the soul…. A spirit tune up.

What attracted you to Raksa?:  The energy. The embracing of diversity -  of different healing modalities – you can explore healing and wellness from several gifted practitioners.  Raksa is a warm and welcoming community.

Where are you from?  I was born in Honduras and my roots are in Latin America. I did some traveling and been in Los Angeles for 5 years.

Favorite activities:   I enjoy being in nature, love the mountains, hiking, traveling, reading and learning. I really love reading and learning about the spirit, nutrition and healing. I also enjoy music, dancing, the arts and checking out creative events around LA.

Shamanic Healing

Today, Sharon shares her experience with shamanic healing. Check back tomorrow for a short interview with our own shamanic practitioner, Irma Sierra.

This week I experienced my first shamanic healing session. Irma, the shamanic practitioner at RakSa set a calm and open tone from the beginning.  I was not sure what to expect and just decided to embrace whatever happens. Irma had a beautiful collection of stones and other objects that each had a meaning or represented something for her. She asked me to pick a stone and the session began. Irma cleared the space with beautiful words and flower water – to my understanding calling on powerful animals, mother earth and father sky to create a sacred place for us.  Afterwards, as I held onto the stone that I choose, we started talking. I did a lot of talking!  Irma delicately guided me to express what I would like to work on, improve, let go of etc. To my surprise – emotions came to the surface almost immediately. As if my most inner self finally got the chance to speak. Challenges with relationships, expectations, and wanting to truly accept things “as they are” came to mind. Irma guided me to use the stone, my breath and awareness to let go of any painful energy. Irma said that everyone experiences the sessions differently, and for me its clear that my spirit, body & mind needed to express itself. Irma continued the session using different healing tools such as feathers, music and sage.

She also gave me some visualizations to explore and some homework to do – to help integrate the session, process and heal the topics that came to the surface. This shamanic healing was powerful and evidently I needed it more than I realized. It is  an experience I think everyone would benefit from and most importantly it reminded me to take time to nurture myself.  Its so easy for most of us to get caught up in our busy “western” lives and this Shamanic Session took me back to the roots – the basics of taking care of my body, mind and spirit.

Trusting Your Intuition: Katherine’s Experience with Interactive Tarot

This morning, Katherine relates her experience taking our own Tory Jeen Valach’s Interactive Tarot Workshop.

The sala was abuzz with excitement this past Saturday as Tory Jeen Valach led her third Interactive Tarot Workshop in the series of seven.

“Tarot is a beautiful, loving guide and healing tool which can assist each of us in tapping into our own inner wisdom and intuition.  We are each born with these inner abilities and using the Tarot is nothing to be afraid of, rather a gentle way to share your feelings and insight with others” she says. As we embarked on our journey to discuss and discover the 10 Minor Arcana Wand cards, I was eager to get started with my first Tarot experience.

I must admit, my previous knowledge of this practice was highly lacking and what I thought I knew came directly from movies and television. This was my opportunity to put those assumptions aside and have a fresh, new experience with an amazing teacher and other Tarot enthusiasts and students.

Tory began by passing out packets that she prepared for each of us, containing a color copy of each card we were to discuss, as well as the traditional meanings. Starting with the Ace of Wands, we took a minute or two to process and observe the card, taking note of what feelings were brought to light during our observation. After, we discussed our interpretations, bouncing thoughts off of each other, expanding on ideas and considering the card from many different, yet connected, viewpoints. We did the same for the remaining nine cards, each discussion becoming more passionate as we students began to feel more comfortable with each other and in trusting our intuition.

Following the analysis of the cards, we split into pairs and performed readings on each other. Tory made her way around the sala, jumping in and reading for each one of us. That was such an amazing bonus! It was very clear at this point how much we had learned; here we were, reading for others without notes or pamphlets. We simply felt the cards and spoke from the heart.

My first Tarot experience was enlightening, informative and transformational. This is a healing modality that I am eager to pursue and will definitely be attending Tory’s workshops in the future and am looking extremely forward to a private reading. Although the cards spoke to me in many different ways, they never failed to speak and that, to me, is the largest testament of their power and capacity.

 

 

Thoughts on Gratitude: “A Grateful Heart is a Joyful Heart”

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and on behalf of our whole Ambassador Team and RakSa family, we hope you had a wonderful, restful, delicious, and relaxing holiday.

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We had an Ambassador meeting on Wednesday morning. Some of us were about to head to the airport to go home, and some of us were already home and were waiting expectantly for the arrival of family members. The conversation turned to thoughts of gratitude and thankfulness. Sharon offered the quotation “a grateful heart is a joyful heart,” which I’ve now written on my white board over my desk to remind me of my blessings and how happy they’ve made me.

It’s is our hope that we can usher in a season in which we are continuously thankful for the blessings in our lives, and that this year’s Thanksgiving was merely the beginning. Each Ambassador shared what we are particularly grateful for–family, new acquaintances, old friends, health, passion, love, and the community around us.

Our Founder, Apinya, shared a beautiful poem that has stuck with me for the past week, and I hope will stay with you in the coming holiday season.

For Celebration

by John Donohue

Now is the time to free the heart,

Let all intentions and worries stop,

Free the joy inside the self,

Awaken to the wonder of your life.

Open your eyes and see the friends

Whose hearts recognize your face as kin,

Those whose kindness watchful and near,

Encourage you to live everything here.

See the gifts the years have given,

Things your effort could never earn,

The health to enjoy who you want to be

And the mind to mirror mystery.

As a last thought, I’d like to leave you with an excerpt from an email that our Ambassador and front desk girl, Katherine, sent me. She said “May we all be blessed with new friends, loves, and experiences from here forward,” and I couldn’t agree more.

Qi Gong at RakSa

Today, RakSa’s manager Maribel shares her first experience with Qi Gong, and teaches us about the practice.

As I began my first class, I felt silly and out of place, not knowing what to expect. I am an avid yoga student and fairly physically fit yet I felt intimidated. I arrived early, anxious to see what was in store. Immediately the teacher put me at ease. “Have you ever practiced Qigong or Tai Chi?” she asked. “No,” I replied, “but I do have a pretty strong yoga practice…” I hoped this would give me a little credit. “Perfect, there are several similarities. You’ll be great,” she answered.

As we began, I looked around to make sure I was breathing properly, to check my movements weren’t too fast. Was I cultivating enough qi? How do I know if I have enough or not? This was suppose to be a relaxing practice, making me feel more balanced and tranquil, not insecure. I decided to let go.

The next hour of class was pure bliss. My body was moving and I was in rhythm with my breath. I felt the awareness in my body, and imagined a ball of energy coursing through. The breath work that I enjoyed so much in my yoga practice translated seamlessly but challenged me as I coordinated my movements. Before I knew it class was over. I found myself wanting more. Had I circulated enough qi? Honestly, who knows. I do know I left feeling energized and balanced.

Fun Facts about Qi Gong:

• Pronounced chee gong
• Relieves physical affects of stress and depression through deep breathing
• Improves balance and stability by strengthening ankles and knees
• Promotes faster recovery from strokes and heart attacks
• Improves conditions of Alzheimer’s, Multiple Sclerosis, and Parkinson’s
• Reduces bone loss
• Improves lower body and leg strength
• Helps with arthritis pain
• Reduces blood pressure and improve blood circulation
• Strengthen coordination, Mind and body integration through mental imagery
• Accumulates energy by releasing endorphins rather than depleting it
• Enhances mental capacity and concentration

Interview with RakSa Esthetician, Karen Junk

Today, we hear from our Yoga Instructor and Raksa Ambassador, Sharon Beam. Sharon interviews another member of the RakSa family—esthetician Karen Junk.

Hello!  I had the good fortune to talk with Karen Junk, an extraordinary esthetician at Raksa this weekend.   She described creating a Satori Experience for her clients – a moment of absolute presence, a moment of no mind, an opportunity to allow yourself to let go, heal or have whatever it is you need in that moment of time.    That sounds wonderful to me!   And I was eager to hear more.   Karen explained that she is also trained in Chinese face reading.  What is that you ask?

Chinese face reading is based upon a branch of Chinese Medicine.  For thousands of years the Chinese have studied patterns in nature and what the Chinese soon realized was that these patterns not only exist in nature but can also be used to describe people – including who we are and why we feel, think, act, believe, and often even behave the way in which we often do.  It helps explain what makes us different from others yet understand what also makes us the same.  Everyone has ears, a forehead and a chin – but what does YOURS mean and how is it significant for YOU?  Everything on your face has meaning and it can be an indication of something emotional, an event at a certain age or even a health issue.

I inquired as to why she choose to become an esthetician and Karen explained that it had a lot to do with healing her own skin and what a reflection her own skin was of her health –if that were true for her, she knew it would be true for everybody.  Karen wants to be able to help as many people as she can achieve the skin and health they desire.  Karen realized early on that healthy skin begins within – on so many levels – nutrition plays a huge part in addition to excellent home care but also the importance of positive affirmations and healthy self talk for the soul.

Karen has a calm nature about her, knowledgeable and caring.  She expressed that there is no judgment in her treatment room and her goal at any given time during any given treatment is to hold space –Karen’s motto is “For You and Your Face, I will Hold Space”…

 

Read a brief interview with Karen after the jump!

What exactly do you do at Raksa? 

I am an esthetician – and give facials, chemical peals and facial waxing.

 

Why did you start this career as an esthetician?

I LOVE skin! And the body fascinates me.  The face contains so much information.

 

What makes your facial or treatment different or unique?

I truly care about individual as a whole.  I customize the experience and I hold a certification in nutrition.  I’m also trained in Chinese face reading.

What attracted you to work at Raksa?

Raksa is a nice place filled with interesting people – its like home.

Where are you from & how long  have you been in LA?

I am from the Midwest and I’m new to LA – have been here for almost a year.

What are your favorite activities?

Fitness Training and going to the gym!  I also enjoy reading and learning new things – my nose is often in a book!

What is your schedule at Raksa for those that want to book a treatment with you?

Evenings and weekends – come experience my facial!

 

 

Check back tomorrow for our manager Maribel’s first experience with Qi Gong!

Swim Smart with Feldenkrais®

Our wonderful front desk girl and RakSa Ambassador, Katherine, attended our Swim Smart with Feldenkrais workshop this weekend. She explains her experience and provides some helpful swimming tips that she learned at the workshop.

As a former swimmer looking to get back into the water, I was excited when I saw that RakSa was offering a workshop to teach methods of “swimming smart.” Stacy Barrows, the designer of the SMARTROLLER and a Physical Therapist, created this workshop as a way of integrating her swimming practice with her Feldenkrais Practitioner background. New studies in swimming have revealed major connections with the nervous system and Stacy believes that by using the Feldenkrais method and improving sensitivity to movement, we can all swim more easily, quickly and with less drag.

Instructor Stacy Barrows setting up for the workshop

The workshop began with a body scan in which we lied on the floor and slowly shifted focus between all body parts, noticing our contact with the mat, tension, and any other imbalances. It was clear that all participants were slightly uneven and possibly uncomfortable. Following the scan, we began our work on the roller with a few movement puzzles. We lied with our backs on the roller, opening our hips slightly and reaching towards the ceiling with our arms. We then lied on our sides with our head on the roller moving our shoulders forward and back and doing the same with our hips. After a few more of these slight movements and adjustments we returned to just the mat and performed another body scan.

It was in this moment that I noticed, immediately, a complete shift in my posture, contact with the floor and overall comfort. I have never experienced such a dramatic change in such a short time. This, Stacy said, is the result of the brain shifting mental states and relearning ways of moving.

Stacy used the term “parasitic work” to describe unnecessary movements. One of the goals in implementing the Feldenkrais method in your swim practice is to cut down, as much as possible, the amount of parasitic work we perform. This allows us to exert less energy that is ultimately wasted and guide our attention to the smaller adjustments we can make. Stacy’s son Daniel, a swim instructor and active Feldenkrais and Tai Chi student, followed our work on the SMARTROLLER with a discussion of swimming warm-ups and techniques we can begin to integrate into our swimming sessions.

His five tips, all for freestyle, were:

1)                          Catch-up stroke- Keep your guiding hand forward and extended until the other hand makes its full rotation and returns to the forward position. This allows you to maintain follow-through and focus on each arm’s individual stroke while increasing speed and reducing drag.

2)                          Slowly push down your body with the thumb side of your hand against your chest as you perform the first half of the stroke. This will provide momentum without strain or over-exertion.

3)                          As you make the second half of the stroke with your arm above the water, drag your fingers so as to maintain slight contact and then use this positioning to help you “spear” into the water. This will reduce drag and increase speed.

4)                          Allow your body to rotate from side-to-side as your switch arms. In doing so, your lower should also be slightly rotated and your kicks will act more like a fin as opposed to a static propeller.

5)                          Practice breathing on both sides to reduce kinks in one shoulder.

The PK Journey – A Purification of Another Layer by Apinya Pokachaiyapat

Every Fall, beginning three years ago, I engage in a Panchakarma, a deep Ayurvedic cleanse, which consisting of a 10 day pre-diet preparation followed by days of treatment, depending on what needs to be worked on or simply in my case the amount of time and resources available. Each time I never know how the process will affect me but I can always count on one thing, that it will be a journey, a journey of change, rebirth and rejuvenation.

This was how I first met Jennie, one of our talented and gifted Ayurvedic practitioners, who has also become a dear friend. As we began my third PK journey (I am proud to have experienced Panchakarma long enough to call it PK like Jennie does) this year in October, Jennie warned me that the number three is very significant. Each time we do a PK, a different layer gets taken off or addressed, and we go deeper each time. I’ve had people stop coming to see me after their third PK because it was just too much, Jennie said to me. This is my kind of journey, I thought! The one that really changes your life. I am in!

This year I had already come to Jennie with many changes in my life. RakSa was at a point of transformation and many changes were happening. We were now almost two years old and had begun to notice things that worked and those that didn’t. I had spent some time earlier this year reevaluating and reflecting on myself, the business, and my role as the founder. As much as I embraced all that RakSa already was, I knew that many things, including myself, had to change in order for her vision to be fully realized and to simply survive in this economy. There needed to be more accountability for myself and our community, and most importantly I could no longer continue to do this alone. I am not capable of it nor do I want to. If we are to be a true community, I must continue cultivating more of such. This requires a lot of trust on my part and letting go – not just any kind of letting go. I am not opposed to change or releasing, often I welcome them, as I know this is how we grow. But this was the kind of letting go that would shake your identity. The kind that breaks a core belief we may have held about ourselves that may not be who we truly are. I saw this clearly and it was becoming more and more evident by the minute. Everything in my life was pointing to this message, as if to say, you may have gotten it in your head but now it’s time you live it in your body. As if without this change I will not survive. I can no longer continue on like this.

Jennie suggested that with so much already going on in my life, my pre-diet of yellow mung bean, rice, steamed vegetables and cleansing spices should only last four days instead of ten. I compromised with seven. Already I should have seen that there was some internal battle going on. My first day of PK began with Jennie taking my pulse and discussing the place I was in. All my pulses were loud and clear. I was all Pitta – in Ayurvedic medicine, this is a combination of fire and water out of the five elements; space, air, water, fire, and earth. I was completely in my head.

Jennie and Sheila, our other beautiful Ayurvedic practitioner, began the session by massaging me from head to toes with warm oil made of all natural herbs chosen specifically for me. Ocean, Jennie’s 10 month-old son, also contributed in the selection. With four hands working simultaneously on me, many things were starting to move and stir within. It seemed at the time they were mostly in my mind and my thoughts. Jennie and Sheila later confirmed this and told me that so much heat and energy was coming out from head it was overwhelming. I then entered a steam box and sweat out even more toxins. This was much more emotional. With every drop sweat, I became lighter and began to find more peace. The treatment followed with a bastis, herbal enema, that I held in until later in the night, and Shirodhara. Ahh, Shirodhara, the magic medicine of that day, a treatment of warm oil that pours in a gentle rhythm across the forehead.

As the oil cooled and caressed my forehead, I began to see my grandmother blowing sweet air over a wound, which has left a scar on me since I was two years old. I had such a nice visit with her during the session and I felt completely held. She was the woman who raised me and taught me about my first Vipassa meditation. She was whom I slept with until I was nine. The memories of her brought everything in my head down to my heart. I left that day wordless filled with love and gratitude from all that was around me, people in my life, Jennie, Sheila, RakSa, the earth, the sky. I felt connected to something so deep again.

The interesting thing about seeing my grandmother help me to heal my wound from the accident I had when I was two is that I am not sure it actually happened. My memory of that day is that I was playing so hard and ran into the corner of my bed with my head. I had started to bleed. My sister was the one who found me gushing with blood and carried me from there into the car and then I was taken to the hospital for stitches. It was as if the Shirodhara had helped me to create a different memory, a more nurturing and healing memory, to remind me of what it feels like to be cared for, held, and loved. I needed to feel that and embodied that again. So often my roll as the youngest child was the peacemaker. The one that made our family laughed. The one that apologized simply because I had to show respect to the elders. The one that went between my father and the rest of our family. I took on everyone else’s emotional being and believed that it was my responsibility. That I must do this and if I didn’t, things wouldn’t be okay. I was proud of this role because I thought that was why my family loved me.

I love my family and I love caring for others but I don’t love the responsibility of everyone else’ emotional state or feel that I have the responsibility to make everything okay, just as I had no longer wanted to carry the responsibility of RakSa’s vision and success alone. I realized that when I had told myself that what was my role and hung on so tight all these years wasn’t necessary who I truly am. And shedding that identity had began because it no longer serves me. It probably never did. But finally I was willing and given the chance to see and meet myself again. Seeing myself so clearly and more honestly is heartbreaking and humbling in many ways. It’s like meeting someone you’ve waited for all your life but you were never really sure existed. It is both so familiar and so unknown all at the same.

Honoring RakSa’s Dreamers

One of my daily practice is to celebrate  our community. Today I want to particularly honor two special ladies – Maribel Lopez and Shari Kensley.

Maribel Lopez, or Mari as she likes to be called, came to us from New York City. Looking to make Los Angeles her new home she was skeptical at what she would find. But that didn’t stop her determination and her willingness to give RakSa her all. Today not only has she built a home in Los Angeles but she has become a crucial part of our RakSa family’s growth and success.

As a manager of RakSa’s staff, Mari has become my second pair of eyes. Today, she oversees the little small details with a large perspective, from a scruff mark on the bathroom door to how each staff is doing to RakSa’s daily and annual event.

The longer Mari is here, the more of herself she brings. At works she keeps a professional and healthy boundary, yet during our community gatherings one may often find her to be the first to share her tears. Trusting and sharing her vulnerability with us is yet another gift that makes Mari such an endearing member of our family.

As we honor Mari for all the work that she has done, does and will do with so much care and professionalism, I also want to honor her for allowing me to trust something so precious to me, RakSa, in her hands while I took my month off. Knowing that she is there daily, gives me a peace of mind that is priceless. We, RakSa and I, are truly grateful.

Shari Kensley was the first member of our RakSa family. We began our working relationship at my home where she spent most of her days in my office also known as the guest bedroom, getting to know me, my dog Mango, and RakSa even before construction began. She came to me with an eager enthusiasm to learn and a child-like perspective to the healing world. Today she is one of the people that our community looks to for advice from how to deal with clients to which practitioners should they visit for their health issues.

Began as my personal assistant now one of RakSa’s managers, she holds a unique space in RakSa’s and my heart. She knows where to take my dry cleaning, what kind of food my dog eats, and what it has taken to turn a dream into reality.

It has been a beautiful process to watch her grow like a flower that opens and continues to bloom.  She has never lacked in determination or intelligence but over the last two years, she has learned to shape them into a focus which has allowed her to open more of her heart and soul.

Often there are things that RakSa and I need that may seem extra and over the top that one may only feel comfortable asking a family member. That’s when I turn to Shari. She will stay long hours. She will pull up the slacks when everyone else is tired. This is a rare gifts to both RakSa and me. What holds for Shari in the future is endless and it has been such a privilege and honor for all of us to watch and be a part of her life.

The “Right Questions”?

If a definition of a writer is someone who writes, then I haven’t been a writer for over a month. That is true. The blog has been quiet for a while due to the preparation for my time off from work and yes, time for myself. If what we are doing in the present is what we are, then for the last month I’ve been Apinya’s lover.

I made a conscious choice to take off the month of June, to put myself as the first priority, something I seemed to have taken a pause from in the last few years. We make choices daily on how to take care of ourselves. That is true. From choosing to wake up in the morning, to how we’ll spend our days, what we’ll eat, who we’ll spend time with, how we love the people that we love. But consciously loving myself, posts a different set of questions beyond what do I want out of life or how would I like to spend the next few years. Beyond the questions of who do I want in my life and how do I choose to engage in those relationships in the most healthy and loving way.

It’s not comfortable putting myself first. At times it’s lonely and takes work, a practice.  But yes often times it’s fun and rewarding. I realize that the life that I live is due to my actions, the decisions that I make. The question is am I living the life of my dreams? And what does that extraordinary life that I wish for look like?

Sometimes we don’t get clear or right answers, because we haven’t asked the right questions. Debbie Ford, the author of The Right Questions poses ten “right questions” to help guide us to that big life we desire. When we honestly ask these questions, we begin to make new choices that will lead to new actions. I think unconsciously I’ve asked myself parts if not all of them from time to time. And they have led me to this crossroad in my life. The answers, when they arrive, reveal what I believe to be the roadmap to the next step of my journey.

Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?

Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment or will it bring me short-term gratification?

Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?

Am I looking for what’s right or am I looking for what’s wrong?

Will this choice add to my life force or will it rob me of my energy?

Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve or will I use it to beat myself up?

Does this choice empower me or does it disempower me?

Is this an act of self-love or is it an act of self-sabotage?

Is this an act of faith or is it an act of fear?

Am I choosing from my divinity or am I choosing from my humanity?

The answers arrive when we ask the questions. But they come in parts and when we are ready to make the decisions. Recently I began dancing again, a different kind of dancing than what I’ve done in the past. This organic form of dancing has helped me connect to myself more holistically. It brings me back to my body, to embrace the emotions that arise, and to connect with mother earth and spirit. I am tasting what it’s like to dance with my soul.

Everyday is a dance. Every action is a dance. Yoga is a dance. It’s a practice. Dancing with oneself and spirit is a practice. Just like taking time to consciously ask these questions and patiently allowing the answers to emerge is a practice. To fully be someone else’s lover, one’s own lover is a dance, a practice, without which we cannot live the grand life of the heart.

The Journey to the Land of Enchantment

(Due to the freedom that I’ve embraced and was given to me in the last few days, I am going to share this blog without any filter. That means no spell check, no order of past, present or future tense, no perfect words. Thank you for reading this entry as is…)

I spent the last two days in Santa Fe with a dear friend.  She had asked me to come and be with her for her birthday. She was born on Mother’s day and her mother had just recently passed. So I scrambled around to find open days in my schedule in between events and meetings that had been scheduled months ahead. It was going to be just shy of 48 hours but I planned to be there for her completely, to honor her and her mother. But the trip turned out to be so much more.

As I landed in the one structure-building airport of Santa Fe, I felt I had returned to a land I once knew. The warm air and cool breeze welcomed me and whispered, Welcome home. I had to hold back my tears as I waited for my bag at the single convertible belt of baggage claim.

Our first visit was at the center of the plaza where a row of Native American Indians had come to sell their crafts. Each morning they would travel from various places, far places, and wait in line for a spot, which is given out thorough a lottery system that doesn’t guarantee a place for everyone who had shown up.  As we walked through the strip, a man asked me what tribe I was from. I smiled and said, I’m from the Thai tribe, and explained to him that I was not Native and was actually from Thailand. In my heart, I was honored to be recognized as such and felt that at a different time I may have been lucky enough to be a part of their heritage. I purchased a ring from one Native, which happened to have my initials craved inside because it was his initials as well. I felt it had been made for me.

We visited the Georgia O’Keeffe museum. She was an artist who had been dear to my heart since I was twelve and had seen my sister’s painting that attempted to duplicate her style. It became even clearer why her work touched me so deeply. The Blue Pelvis, the painting that tattooed in my mind.  O’Keefee once said, When I started painting the pelvis bones I was most interested in the holes in the bones – what I saw through them- particularly the blue from holding them up in the sun against the sky as one is apt to do when one seems to have more sky than earth in one’s world. . .they were most beautiful against the Blue – that Blue that will always be there as it is now after all man’s destruction is finished.

The next day, we visited el Santuario de Chimayó, a small adobe chapel built in 1816, tucked into the foothills of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains. There are still imprints of the loving hands of the community that built it and believed that miracles had happened there. We arrived just as Mass had begun and various families, big families of various generations, had gathered there for a Mother’s day picnic. A familiar scene that I once had been a part of in a totally different part of the world.

On a small road from Chimayo towards Taos Pueblo, we stopped at an old Trading Post. There was a piece of necklace there that caught my eyes right away. Six strains of red Mediterranean coral, a type of jewel that is no longer available, joined together by a Santo Domingo artist. I tried it on and the weight of this sacred object rested on top of my heart like a gift from spirit. I could barely take it off to look around the rest of the store.  My friend and John, the owner of the store, shared the history of Santo Domingo tribe and the coral, as if we’ve all been sitting around a campfire and telling ancient stories. A few times John said to me even after I had purchased the necklace, It looks so beautiful on you. Something I had always wished my father would say to me when I was growing up. When we got into the car, my friend said to me, this is not just another piece of jewelry Apinya, this is your power.

As I get ready to return to Los Angeles today, I know I will return here to live. My dear friend had wanted to me here to share her precious stories and history, but what was shown was my own. I don’t have any Native American blood in my body and maybe I had never even been anywhere close to this land in this lifetime or the past, but something inside me had reconnected with something greater and purer than my own imagination.

So take a trip, go on your own journey where ever that may be, you never know what two days in a sacred land can bring up for you. There’s a part in all of us that waits to be awaken and it is necessary for our growth and the understanding of ourselves. Imagine what we would have missed if we didn’t make time for these moments. I know for me, if I hadn’t made this flight, a deep part of me that had been yearning for something, someone, someplace, would have continue to hold on to the mystery without this new discovered light. And though the longing and yearning may continue, what was once nameless and faceless now has a beat in my heart.

Choose LOVE

Three years ago, I fell in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable to be in a committed relationship. He fully admitted it and was clear from the beginning. Still it didn’t stop me, and I continued to get attached and hope for something more even a year after. When I look back, he should have been the last person I’d ever fall in love with. He was nothing like my previous boyfriends. His most expressive love for me came through jokes, and he avoided conflict by ignoring them.

But after various rejections and hurtful incidents, I came to a conclusion that I will always love him, but I no longer wanted to be with him. From that point on, I chose to have him in my life in a way that I could love him fully, yet I wouldn’t have to sacrifice my heart. Our friendship grew with freedom and we continued to work together and create something very beautiful – RakSa.

We can’t always choose with whom we fall in love with or what emotions we feel for that matter.  But we can choose how we love.

Someone once told me a story about heaven and hell. He asked me if I knew the difference between the two. Instead of having an answer I simply listened. He said, “Hell is like this. You enter a beautiful restaurant, decorated with the finest linens and China. In the corner, an orchestra plays exquisite music. All the people there are dressed in elegant clothes and exceptional jewelry. They are sitting around tables full of magnificent food and drink.”

He signaled to me not to interrupt and continued the story. “But soon you begin to see that there is something wrong. The people are not happy. They look sad and confused. In spite of this abundance of food, they cannot eat because the utensils they have are too large. They manage to get the food on the fork but not into their mouths. You notice that they are starving to death.”

“Now heaven,” he said and looked over to see if he had my full attention. I nodded. “Heaven is like this. You walk into the same place. They have the same linen, same China, same exquisite music, same magnificent food, and even the same utensils. But everyone is laughing, smiling, and having a wonderful time. They are full. The difference is that while these people can’t feed themselves with their forks, they have learned to use their utensils to feed one another.”

What I think is so beautiful about this story is that it reminds me that we are at the edge of heaven and hell every day. And that maybe the difference sits on a very fine line but a very important one. In heaven, we choose to feed each other; we choose to work together; we are a community. We choose love.

In the mist of unpredictability that surrounds us – whether it’d be our lovers, co-workers, clients, the weather, or our emotions, we are constantly faced with a choice. Choosing love may just be what keeps us closer to heaven than hell. Choosing love doesn’t mean we give up who we are but that we feed not only our own needs but our loved ones, our community, our world.

The Importance of Celebration

We are all on what Joseph Campbell calls a “hero’s journey.” Each of our lives’ journeys is one giant hero’s journey. But we are also continuously taking these journeys, whether it be a trip to the grocery store, a road to build a meaningful career, a desire to fulfill a dream, or a fight to help others in the world. Our journeys can last as short as a moment or a day, and as long as a road trip or lifetime.

Campbell breaks the journey down into three major sections: the Departure, the Initiation and the Return.  This is true for stories as ancient as what is considered to be the first poem ever written, like The Bhagavad Gita, to the latest Oscar-winning movie, The King’s Speech. Take the classic Cinderella story: sweet, innocent Cinderella was living her usual life under the house of the evil stepmother and sisters, then came her departure-slash-calling to the Royal Ball. She went through her initiation with the help of allies like the Fairy Godmother, the pumpkin that turned into a coach, mice that transformed into horses, and a rat that became a coachman. And let’s not forget the famous glass slipper, an important “holy grail” she needed to complete the return part of her journey. And despite more challenges, steps, and struggles, she arrived to the celebration of her union with the prince. I am simplifying all of this of course.

Campbell’s model of a hero’s journey has been a familiar footprint in my life, especially when I was working on my novels. It had been a while since I visited this concept. But I began thinking about my life journeys through the eyes of a hero again, after I recently returned from a magical leadership workshop weekend, which in itself, was another hero’s journey.

I realized that though all three parts of the journey are equally significant, different parts are more prominent for different stories. For me, in the last decade, I have found the return to hold the most lessons and medicines. This is because as a friend of mine once said, “ A workshop begins the day after it is finished.” I may have gone through the initiation and received and learned a new knowledge last weekend, but it is when I integrate it into my daily life and embody it, that the journey becomes more complete. According to Campbell, the last step in the journey is where you find “freedom to live.”

One important element of the return that stood out for me is the celebration. I used to rock climb for more than 10 years. Throughout those times, my partner and I had completed hundreds of routes, from the easiest top rope to a two-day climb on a wall.  As I looked back, the climbs I remembered the most were not the ones that were more difficult, challenging or maybe even the more interesting. It was the ones that we celebrated: the ones that after we reached the top, or hiked back to our camp, or put our gear away, my partner and I would laugh about what just happened, discuss the steps we took, and relive the climb over a pitcher of mango margaritas or during our ride home. This was our celebration – an acknowledgement that we had gone through the journey and something had changed in us. This is what helped us to let the experience seep into our soul without letting it be just a passing moment.  I realize I’ve lived many great moments, magical moments, in fact; but without this element of integration and celebration, they were also not complete. This is why birthday celebrations are so important, or even a hug after a long day, or five minutes of Savasana at the end of a yoga practice.

In the first 25 years of my life, I was so quick to go on the journey and get what I set out to do. Once I had reached the goal I seemed to move on to the next journey so quickly that I didn’t complete the previous journey. And eventually, I had to repeat the journey again so that I could gain the lesson I didn’t learn.

So as you go through your hero’s journey today, remember to take time for celebration and complete the return of your journey. Whether it be a deep breath at the end of a long day to acknowledge your hard work, a sweet piece of chocolate to compliment the sweetness of life, a dance party, or writing in your journal about all the lessons you’ve learned and gifts you’ve received.Take that time for yourself, not only because it is an important part to complete your journey, but also because you deserve it.

What is health?

“A healthy person is one who can live fully his unavowed dreams.”

I recently read a very interesting article about health by Moshe Feldenkrais. He told a story about a lion that he had met at one of his student’s homes in Paris. The lion had been brought to Paris from Africa as a cub and had grown when they met. A few months later the lion had wandered into the street and an old lady with a little Pekingese dog and poor eyesight, mistaken him for a big dog, and chased him through the street with her umbrella. The police captured him and moved him to the Paris Zoo. After refusing food and drink for ten days, the lion died in its cage.

Feldenkrais had pointed out that clearly this was a situation where a healthy animal had died due to emotional trauma. This is also true for us, human beings. We’ve all heard stories about some healthy person who passed away a few days after his or her loved one died. So what is a healthy human being? If someone has never been to a doctor for most of his life because he has never had a serious illness, is he a healthy person? If that same person lives an unfulfilled life without any passion or dreams, is he or she still a healthy person? What about someone who is so obsessed with her exercise and diet that she cannot focus on anything else and fails to live up to any other responsibilities – is she a healthy person? We are made up of so much more than flesh and bones, nervous systems, emotional body, and energy body. Our parts are so linked in such a complex way that we cannot always explain it linearly; yet it is clear that when a part of us fails, the other always seem to be affected, even if we aren’t consciously aware of it at the time.

Clearly it is difficult to define health. Because life is a process and we cannot avoid the changes that come with time, Feldenkrais offers this explanation – “Health is measured by the shock a person can take without his usual way of life being compromised.”

If this is true, then how do we stay healthy? For me this is about constantly finding balance, which like health is not a defined fixed point nor about having just the right amount of one thing or another. It is about having enough reserve in the tank, so to speak, to create a cushion or what Feldenkrais might had called it – “shock absorber”, to help us continue to live the life that we desire. This is a practice of taking care of oneself, loving oneself, and forgiving oneself.  For me this is a combination of nurturing food and company, alone time, long walks in nature, crying, laughing, and writing. It is also about not being afraid to use what is in our tanks, about taking risks and chances, following our dreams, and standing up for ours believe despite what others may say. For me this had ranged from deeply falling in love, building a business during an economical challenging time, and climbing first ascent in Alaska mountains. It is about finding the balance between stability and flexibility in our daily lives. Often when I watch an old giant tree, I think about all the rainy days it has soaked in, years of standing against uncontrollable winds, and the unbearable heat it has tolerated summer after summer. Yet it’s still alive and growing.  I also think about the countless breathtaking sunsets and full moons it has witnessed, and the love and nurturing it must have received to come this far. I think to find a balance, to stay healthy, we must first give ourselves what we need while constantly search and strive to live the life that we want.

How much weight is a pound really worth?

I have never owned a scale in my life. And although I’d like to say it’s because I don’t care as much about the number on the instrument compared to how well I feel, it hasn’t always been true. There were times in my life that half of a pound would mean the difference between a good and a bad day; times when I wouldn’t take a day off from my running routine; times when the total number of my daily calorie intake depended on the day’s scheduled activities. There were also times when none of that mattered; times when I couldn’t stop eating; times when I felt like doing nothing; times when I felt food was my only dependable friend. Finding the balance between those times is a gift I constantly work to give to myself.

Most of my life I wouldn’t really know how much I weighed, not the exact number anyway, because I never owned a scale. But I could always gage the number and I wouldn’t be too far off. The few times a year that I would have an exact mathematical answer to the question – how much do you weight? – would be when I had to go to the doctor’s office. And the first time this year was two weeks ago. To my surprise, I stepped up on the scale and even before I could get off, I had a flash of thought: I need to lose ten pounds. Before I left the doctor’s office I had already envisioned the new exercise and diet routine needed to achieve that goal. Luckily all of those thoughts were in passing, and by the time I returned home, I had abundant the idea to force myself to be at the weight I was in my twenties.

It was interesting to me how quickly a small instrument and a measly three-digit number could quickly take me back to a thought and habit that I had made peace with over the last five years. The truth is of course I care about how I feel, how I look and what clothes I get to wear. But to what cost? Is how much I weigh the only way to measure how healthy I am physically or how well I look in clothes that fit ten years ago?

When I thought about the idea of having to lose ten pounds, I thought about how much I would have to give up for each one of those pounds. I’d have to give up the freedom in my relationship with food. I’d have to surrender the pleasure of enjoyable exercise time to follow a weight-loss routine. I’d have to occupy my mind with this number that would haunt me until I reached that goal.

There are times now I do wish I weighed the same as I did ten years ago. But most days I am so grateful that those numbers are the last thing on my priority list. Maybe it is also because those extra ten pounds are part of what I have collected throughout the years and they represent a weight I need to carry. They are the weight of responsibility for owning a business, and for following a vision and dreams through challenging times. They are the weight of trust in myself to guide what is healthy for me. They are the weight of honesty to love myself for both my strengths and my flaws. They are the weight of freedom that allows me to live each moment for what it’s truly worth.

Looking to a scale for guidance is an important thing. It is a concrete check-in device that helps us to measure and compare the different times in our lives. But how much that number is worth or truly means is relative. Weight is defines as a force of an object due to gravity. And even by that definition, our weight can change from direction to direction, from one location to another, from moment to moment. So how much one weighs is a question that a scale cannot fully answer, because each pound carries a different worth to each of us. How much we are willing to lose or gain is something that not only changes with time or biology, but also with what lies in the measurement of our individual self-worth.

Old Words. . .New Light

As I tried to search for some new words to share for today’s blog entry, nothing seemed to feel quiet right. So I started to look at some old writing for inspiration. What I found was that old words can bring out new light at different times in our lives. So here are some old words that had shed some new light for me that I’d like to share. . .

Beauty is an elusive trait, something we strive to find in our lives everyday. We look for it in our surroundings, in building and streets, in earth and water. We look for it in people, in our relationships, in friends and in family, in old and in young. We look for it in ourselves, in things we do and in the choices we make. The more we look, the more we find that beauty isn’t any one thing, but many things.

Sometimes beauty is perfection. This is why cloudless days and star-filled nights and white Christmases and crystal- clear oceans and four-leafed clovers are beautiful. Sometimes beauty is found in something that is flawed. This is why dimples and crooked teeth and old ripped jeans and favorite sweaters and rainy days are beautiful. This is also why people are beautiful. Everyone has flaws, whether it is a birthmark, or a bad habit, or a wounded soul. We all try to cover our flows, to hide them from the world so no one can see. But we are not only beautiful in spite of these flaws, but we are beautiful because of these flaws. Each one makes us different and unique, each one makes us special.  Some we can change, some we cannot, some we should change, and some makes us greater because we have them. The beauty is not only in successfully erasing one of our flaws, but even more beautiful is the desire to change, the battle to change, and the resilience to fight again when we have failed.

In a world of ugliness, we find beauty everywhere and everyday and in places where it isn’t suppose to be. And because of this, we wake up everyday and live our lives with the hope that today and tomorrow and the day after that will be more beautiful than yesterday. And that both profoundly and simply, is beautiful.

The Reality of Dreaming

I have always been a fan of sleep and dream time. In many ways I’ve lived a full life in my dreams. I’ve seen my daughter and spent time with her, even though I have yet to be pregnant or give birth to anyone in this lifetime. But I know exactly what she will look like when I do meet her. In my dreams, I’ve led battles, fell out of the sky, then got up walked away without a scratch.  I’ve drowned and watched people mourn me at my funeral.  I’ve climbed various first ascents on different mountain routes I didn’t know existed. I’ve had relationships with men and women I’ve yet to meet. So are dreams really a separate reality or one of the same?

Our hypnotherapist, Clare Taylor, uses dream therapy in her sessions and I was curious to learn more about such connections. Clare told me that during our dream times we sort out the millions of things that stimulate us during the day. Consciously and unconsciously we take in millions of pieces of the puzzles from the color of our co-worker’s shoes, to the scent of our home when we first wake up, to events we experienced throughout the day.  Our dreamtime is our problem-solving time, a time to empty our puzzle box and begin to put the pieces together. In order to do this, we not only pick out the things that are relevant but we release the things that don’t belong to the picture we are working on at the present moment. According to Clare, this happens at different times throughout the night. We use the earlier part of our sleep to sort out the puzzle, shed the pieces that do not fit, and as we fall deeper in to REM sleep, we begin the puzzle-solving process.  Often we work things out in our dream times, but we don’t realize we had until much later in our waking times. Unconsciously we’ve made peace with things that we may not yet have been able to on a conscious level because we feel safer during dreamtime.  And we need more time to work through them in reality. So one way to fully access our dream as a tool is to set an intension for you dream before you fall asleep, so it can also play out in your waking time.

Five years ago when I first moved to Culver City, there used to be this great two-story bookstore that only sold books to teachers and schools. I have always loved bookstores and though I wasn’t a teacher or an employee of any school district, I’d visit the bookstore every once in a while and think about what a great space it was -  bright, open and ready to embrace whomever that walks in. This was the kind of space I’d love to have if I ever wanted to open a business, which I had no intension of doing at the time. Once in a while something would take place in my dream at the location of the bookstore, which I dismissed as an insignificant part of my puzzle.

When we first started looking for a location for RakSa, we checked places in Santa Monica, Venice, Marina del Rey and Culver City. I saw some really wonderful potential locations and never thought about the bookstore. But within weeks of location scouting, the bookstore became available for rent. And now that bookstore is the home of RakSa.

So as much as our dreamtime can act as our peace making moment, it can also serve as a needed reality check to understand what we cannot see clearly when we are awake. I think the magic in our lives is the power of the merging of the two worlds, the conscious and the unconscious, because in truth we are never separated. Have you ever had a day when things happened just like you had wished or dreamed? A day when things worked themselves out in ways that you hadn’t thought of? Or a day when someone who you’ve missed for so long reappeared into your life? The truth is we are constantly manifesting our dreams and our reality even when we are not aware of it. It is when we can tap into this awareness that we can begin to live the life of our dreams both when we are asleep and when we are awake.

Crash but Not Quite Burn

I am writing this entry a week ahead of schedule while the frustration and agony is still fresh. A few days ago, when I decided to take a lunch break and bath in the exceptionally warm winter sun with a dear friend, I received a text from RakSa – Computer crashed severely. We need the original start up disk. Do you have it? We tore RakSa apart and can’t find them.

I finished my lunch and casually went home to look at my files. Clearly marked and put away in the right categories, were all of the start-up disks separated by our two computer stations. So what’s the worst thing that can happen, I thought. We reboot from the start-up disks and we move on.

By the time I arrived at RakSa, one of our managers had been on the phone for three hours with technical support, trying to recover everything from our hard drive. They hadn’t decided to wipe everything and start over, hoping to still recover something from a blank dark screen. I released her and took over for the rest of the night.

So what do you want to do now? Tech guy number 3 asked me casually. Executive decision needs to be made here, do we continue working on this or we start from scratch?

If we wipe everything, all I have to do is install all our drivers and software with the disks I have here correct? I asked ready for what was ahead.

Yes, but it’s not as simple as you just made it sound. He tried to prepare me for what was ahead. We would have to install every single driver manually and in the correct order, and yes you will have to reinstall all the software you need.

I want to wipe everything and start from scratch, I said to him. Sometimes that’s just what you have to do, I thought.

I spent the night at RakSa reviving our main station. Three hours later the desktop was beginning to look like itself again but much more bare and quiet, like someone who had been stripped away of her precious belongings. It began to feel like just over a year ago when I set up the system alone at home. Except then I didn’t have to worry about losing thousands of clients’ data and them walking in the front door in the morning.  I tested everything and once everything seemed to work I went to sleep.

If the seven hours the day before wasn’t painful enough, the next day was spent learning about the incompatibilities of our software, which no one informed us over the year, and trying to network the two stations again. While trying to maintain the usual serene and peaceful environment of our wellness center, after all that’s what we are, we spent six more hours with Tech support number 4, 5, and 6. We were still not back to normal. I decided to head home and start fresh the next day. Sometimes that’s all there is to do, I knew.

By the afternoon of day three we had both stations talking to each other but our credit card processing still wasn’t working. Something we had to wait until after the weekend to fix.

After the first night of this ordeal I laid in bed feeling alone and yet grateful for all the support I had at RakSa. I no longer wanted to do this alone, a feeling that had grown stronger each day over the past year. But I also realized that there would always be things I will have to do alone.  No one else would make that decision of starting over from scratch like I did. No one else would know the history of RakSa like I do. It’s like when your child is sick and you take him or her to the doctor. Of course no one is going to know all her medical history like you do, her likes and dislikes. How do you trust someone else to make a decision for her life?

But I realize what I can do is keep better records and build our team stronger to support us. That’s the next mission. The computers had to start over but we didn’t. This was a chance to do it with more knowledge and more awareness so that we can continue into our second year with greater strength and light. Sometimes we have to give up what we have to have something else. Something beyond our imaginations.

We had to crash because we needed to stop and take a deeper look into what was missing. And we had to walk away in order to have a clearer picture of what was happening. RakSa is growing so fast, yet the important fundamentals can never be neglected. We had to wipe everything clean so we could pick and choose the things that work and let go of the things that don’t. We didn’t restart so we can be where we were but to untangle ourselves and move forward. Sometimes I feel I can’t go on. Sometimes I know I must go on. And eventually I will go on. We all do.